Sunday, 4 October 2015


Today's verse is one that used to scare me. The idea that I'd actually pray this and willingly let God test me, try me and look into my heart and my motives wasn't a notion I was comfortable with. 

And if you were me, at that stage in my life, you'd have felt the same. At that point in my life my Christian walk was wavering a lot. I struggled with a lot of things, but not what we'd consider the 'big stuff'. I never drank, swore, smoked or dabbled in drugs. 

On the outside I was this good wee Christian girl. But underneath I was lying, full of envy, boasting, acting full of pride, lust, being disrespectful, rude and generally not a nice person. Underneath I was not living a Christian life at all. And there's no way I wanted God to see that. 

I mean I know that He already knew, that He could see into the depths of my heart and yet He still loved me... but the shame was too great. 

Then I realised that the only way I was going to get better, turn my life around and actually live the way God wanted me to, was to confront the person in the mirror. The only thing I could do was pray this verse and ask God to test me, try me and tell me where the problems were in my life. 

And boy did He ever!! I've already written about my love of books and that was one of my first big purges! God helped me see that I wasn't reading the right things - too many sex scenes that I didn't need to pollute my mind, or two much romance that was unrealistic and made me feel dissatisfied. 

Then came the watching TV and my choices of movies... While I could read lovey dicey scenes I never watched them - so smutty films/TV programmes weren't my problem. No - I had to stop watching anything that has a supernatural twist - from Buffy to Harry Potter to Charmed... Not good for my gullible mind. And film wise my problem was violence. I had come to not even really 'see' it. That all had to change. 

And then my big issue - my body. This is a battle I'll fight for life because I know what my natural tendencies are - but God loves me so much more than I love myself and He gently reminds me every so often, what I'm doing to my body with my sedentary lifestyle. 

I am not the same person as started out on my Christian journey - and praise God I'm not yet the person who will be finishing it. He has the power to test me, try me, challenge me and change me, and I thank Him daily for changing me. 

In this Psalm David was asking God to test me, to prove His love for God and so that God could see His heart. When was the last time you prayed this prayer? When was the last time you allowed God to seriously audit your life? 

I'll be looking more at this personally - I need to do it again much more often. 

Keep shining xx 

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