Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Moving on...

Today's prompt was to think about something that you have felt unable to move forward from, and then think about one simple step you could take to move on from it... 

A very interesting one. I've a few things in the course of my life that I've struggled with - most a bit too personal to share unfortunately - but one thing you just have to look at me to see is my struggle with my weight. 

I have been a binge overeater and an emotional eater for nearly all of my adult life. The last time I remember being 'thin' was a memory I have of getting a new dress at uni. It was short (I wore it with thick black tights) with long sleeves and was lovely. The one thing I thought was hilarious was the guys in our group asking me where the other half of my belt was when I arrived warming it! It really wasn't that short - just seemed like that since I was used to wearing really long skirts!! It was a size 10. And yet back then, I thought I was big. 

Of only we could go back to the time we thought we were fat! 

Even when I got married I was up to a size 14/16, and gaining weight having after 4 kids, it just decided to stick around. 

I was very good at maintaining a weight while I was binging - not through bulimic methods, but by managing to eat very little on days when I wasn't binging. I knew how to be good - I just lost it at certain times and went mad. 

Now when I talk about binging I'm talking about eating a lot of food in a very short space of time - like I could eat  a packet of 4 Dairy Milks, a packet of Fifteens, a couple of chocolate eclair (the buns not the sweets!), a multipack of crisps, a packet of salted nuts and maybe a bag of sports mix - all within a short period of time and without actually raising any of it. 

It always was an automatic thing, and as I said, completely tasteless. But it happened again and again and I couldn't stop it. I've even been known to bake because we had nothing to eat in our house. Or nip to the garage just to buy binge food and then hide it in the car. 

And even though I know I am putting myself at risk each and every day, I've not addressed it enough to make me take action. I'm still fat - as fat as I've ever been - and I need to get healthy. For all of our sakes. 

Why can't I move forward? I think a big part of this answer has to be my perception of being thin. I have always thought I'll be much happier when I'm thin, or that life will look differently when I'm thin, or people will like me more when I'm thin. But the other side of that coin is very much 'what if that's wrong'... 

At the moment I'm 'happy' being the fat girl who makes fun of herself and makes everyone laugh - whether because I'm funny or out of pity, who cares - but if I haven't got that anymore and I'm assuming that things will be ok, what if they aren't. What if I become someone obsessed with their looks right weight? What if I end up not being someone people are going to still have a laugh with? What if things change for the worse? 

It's these 'what if' questions that keep me here and I need to move past them. So here is my step for tomorrow. Tomorrow I will not eat any chocolate or crisps, and will only drink water. 

Hopefully that's a small enough step that I will actually do it, but as we're learning, every step counts. 

My verse for today was

This is what the Lord says—the Lord who made the earth, who formed and established it, whose name is the Lord: Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

Jeremiah 33:2-3 

and I really do trust that as I delve into this deeper, God will help me to find the way I need to go, and reveal the secrets that I need to know. He knows all - all I need to do is trust Him. 

Keep shining xx 

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